“Friends!  Romans!  Countrymen!  Lend me your ears!  Four score and seven years ago, I ran for United States Senate for the great state of Scranton!  My sister Jill and I had just brought into the world our great children and upstanding, law-abiding citizens Beau, Ashley, and that guy whose name now escapes me.  The multiple arrests of my shower partner / daughter Ashley and the fast palm-greasing cover-up were but a minor setback on her path to greatness.

If you give me 8 more years in the White House, my sister Jill will conceive several more upstanding, law-abiding citizens like Ashley and what’s his name.  Jill’s life as a world-renowned ER surgeon will be put on hold.

And one cannot neglect my Saintly Son Beau – God love ya! and God rest his immortal soul – who lived the life he chose, knowing that it would enable him to become a leach on taxpayers, just like his dear old dad.  It’s unfortunate that he met his fate storming the beaches of Normandy, a musket firmly clenched in his battle-weary hands.  Oh, and now I remember the prodigal son’s name, Hunter.  The smartest guy I know who decided to become a porn star, using just his first name, à la that skank Lady Madonna, or something like that.

One final word… You aint’ black!”